It’s so easy to be our own worst critic.
We all do things we might feel bad about – bailing on a friend, snapping at your partner, letting your children have too many sweets.
In the work that I do with clients, self-compassion is one of the keys to growth. We can have good intentions to change, create a new habit, set a new goal, or do something new but inevitably there’ll be some blocks, bumps and trials along the way.
It’s at this point that many people beat themselves up for the perceived failure or imperfection and, more times than not, it’s this critical voice that actually stops them from continuing and achieving their goal rather than the problem itself.
If we were able to document every thought that’s going on in our minds about ourselves, I think many people would be shocked by how often they’re beating themselves up!
If you’re endlessly punishing yourself and not letting go of things – big or small – it can also wreak havoc on your health.
I was recently asked to contribute my advice on this topic – How to set yourself free from guilt – for an article in The Sun on Sunday’s Fabulous magazine, and here’s what I said:
Lean into growth
A person with a fixed mindset won’t be able to see a perceived mistake or failure as an opportunity for growth. The opposite is someone with a growth mindset, who is generally more open to accepting criticism, embracing new opportunities and wants to learn from mistakes.
You can teach yourself to embody a growth mindset if you recognize you may be more fixed. A simple way to do this is to reflect on your successes and perceived failures or setbacks.
For perceived failures and mistakes, ask yourself: How will this experience help me learn and grow?
Doing this on a daily basis, especially just before you go to sleep when the brain is very sponge-like, will help to rewire your thoughts to become more focused on growth and improvement, which over time will become second nature.
Be your own best friend
If you had a parent or caregiver who was particularly critical and controlling, you are more likely to speak to yourself in this way. Instead, we need to nurture and tune into your adult voice – a wise voice of clarity, and unconditional love that is empowering.
Accessing this voice can sometimes be hard so it can help to imagine what you would say to a loved one in the same situation or think of someone you admire and imagine what they would say to you.
In my experience, it’s the people who are most critical towards themselves who have the most compassion for others! So that voice is there to speak to yourself in the same way, it’s just a case of giving it power over the critical voice.
Saying phrases to yourself like: “You did your best and that’s what counts”, “Progress isn’t usually a linear process”, “You’re a good person and you meant well”, “No one is perfect, to be flawed is to be human”, “Failure is a part of any successful life” and “Give yourself some time, this will pass”.
Factor in your wellbeing
Reducing your stress levels and taking care of your overall health can make forgiving yourself less of a battle too.
It’s important to maintain the wellbeing basics as best as you can, which can make a huge difference to your overall mood, outlook and perception of yourself and of others.
This means maintaining a healthy diet – especially eating enough and regularly enough to maintain stable blood sugar levels. Getting enough sleep and doing regular exercise are also both essential for less stress and a more positive perspective.
If you find yourself in a mental rut and feeling bad, check in with yourself and look at whether you’ve eaten properly, have you been particularly sedentary, or did you have a bad night’s sleep? Then you can pinpoint what has likely contributed to your mindset or mood and you can then do something about it.
For a quick, albeit chilly, fix, have a two-minute cold shower, which is proven to boost mood, improve sleep, reduce stress and enhance resilience!
Kate x
