This month’s question comes from Lara:
Hi Kate, Your blog last week made me realise just how bad I am at not being able to accept praise, compliments and positive feedback. Exactly as you said; I feel uncomfortable and underserving and I tend to immediately put it down to people being too nice, or good timing, luck or the help of others. I can’t seem to be able to just take it and 100% believe it’s because of my skills and effort. I also recognise I usually doubt myself and my skills, which leads to a whole host of other issues, as mentioned in the blog. How can I start being able to believe in myself and accept praise for what it is? I almost feel like it’s impossible!
My answer:
Hi Lara,
Thank you for reaching out and for sharing your struggles. I’m glad to hear that last week’s blog resonated with you. Accepting praise can indeed be a challenge for those grappling with imposter syndrome and typically even more so for women.
There are many strategies I could share with you, however, I’m going to give you the three that I feel are the most powerful, the ones that have really helped clients of mine when working on imposter syndrome and accepting praise … and they tackle this issue from different angles:
Firstly, internalise and track positive feedback:
Make a conscious effort to internalise positive feedback – rather than brushing it off, take a moment to intentionally absorb the compliments even if you have to make yourself pause soon after someone gives you the feedback and think it over rather than let the automatic voice in your head immediately dismiss it.
One tool I love to use here to track and save your compliments or positive feedback is a ‘compliments list’ or, even more fun, a ‘compliments jar’.
The list is as simple as it sounds; either keep a word document or notebook where you record every single example of positive feedback that you get. With the jar, you need a large vase or jar of some kind and you write each individual compliment on a piece of paper, fold it in half, and then put it in the jar.
The list/jar process works two-fold – Firstly the action of recording the compliment reinforces it in your mind, but also reviewing these entries can serve as a powerful reminder of your capabilities. Especially so when you’re feeling low or doubting yourself. It’s a great pick-me-up and mood boost to read through your list (which you should be continually adding to) or to reach into the jar and pull out a piece of paper randomly!
Secondly, challenge & reframe negative thoughts:
Imposter syndrome often feeds on negative self-talk. When receiving praise, be aware of any dismissive thoughts and challenge them. Instead of attributing success to external factors, remind yourself of the hard work, dedication, and expertise you’ve invested in your endeavours.
One of the best ways to challenge and reframe negative thoughts is using cognitive-behavioural techniques. When self-doubt arises, ask yourself for evidence to support or refute these thoughts. Then actively replace these thoughts with positive affirmations and evidence of your competence.
I recently wrote a series of blog posts on CBT techniques and reframing – you can find them all here to access specific tools to help you do this. The Thought Record Sheet is one of the most effective.
Thirdly, cultivate an inner voice of self-compassion:
This really is one of the keys to better mental health. Many of us have a strong internal critic – also known as the internal bully, gremlins, monkey mind etc.
Imagine you have three inner voices: The critical parent, the inner child, and the wise adult. The critical parent is harsh, conditionally loving, and cynical. The inner child is either helpless and weak or stubborn and rebellious. Whereas the wise adult is exactly as it sounds – it is kind, compassionate, and unconditionally loving, but also rational, fair, and measured.
This adult voice is your true inner voice, but many of us as adults, actually swing between speaking to ourselves with the critical parent voice and the inner child voice.
You need to get very good at objectively observing your inner voice – pay attention to how you’re talking to yourself. Are you shooting yourself down with harsh judgements and criticism or are you feeling weak and helpless with a child-like level of low self-esteem? With imposter syndrome, it’s less likely you’ll be speaking to yourself with the rebellious child voice.
Whenever you recognise you’re speaking to yourself in the critical parent or weak child voice – consciously shift into speaking to yourself with the wise, kind adult voice. Over time this practice can be an absolute game-changer in a person’s life. Not only for dealing with imposter syndrome, but it works very well here.
It will likely feel strange and fake at first but do it anyway and if you’re finding it really hard to access the adult voice for yourself, initially it can be easier if you imagine what you’d say to a friend or a loved one in your position. Or think of someone you admire and imagine what they would say to you.
Remember, overcoming imposter syndrome is a gradual process – you have to consciously work at it. Be patient with yourself and celebrate the progress you make along the way – because that is what your inner wise adult would do!
You have the skills and capabilities deserving of recognition, so embrace the praise with confidence. It’s also worth mentioning that, without fail, everyone I’ve worked with who struggles with imposter syndrome is in fact excellent at what they do and more than deserving of the praise, compliments, and positive feedback that they get!
If you’re struggling with imposter syndrome and feel you could benefit from some coaching to help you overcome the internal critic and move forward in your career and life with more self-worth and true inner confidence, get in touch for a complimentary consultation where we can discuss your situation in more detail and I can share how my coaching and mentoring works.
Kate x
