This week’s episode is the final part of my Mental Health Awareness series. So far we’ve explored the impact that food, movement, and stress can have on mental health, and today I want to talk about something many people rarely stop to consider: their inner dialogue.
In my experience, most people are carrying around an inner voice that they would never dream of using towards another person they care about, yet it’s there in the background speaking to them every single day.
Because it’s so familiar, many people don’t even realise it’s there, but that certainly doesn’t mean it isn’t having an impact.
The Language of The Inner Critic
Sometimes our inner dialogue is encouraging, sometimes it’s neutral, but for many people it’s surprisingly critical, which is why it’s so often referred to as the ‘inner critic’. It’s the voice that says things like:
- “You’re so lazy.”
- “What’s wrong with you?”
- “You should be doing more.”
- “You’ve messed everything up.”
I’ve even had coaching clients casually describe saying things to themselves like:
- “You fat pig.”
- “You’re such an idiot.”
When those words are spoken out loud, people are often shocked by how harsh they sound, yet many people speak to themselves this way every single day without really noticing.
This inner critic often speaks the language of shame. It loves words like should, shouldn’t, must, need to, and have to, and underneath those thoughts is often a much deeper message:
- “There’s something wrong with me.”
- “I’m not enough.”
- “I’m bad.”
The problem is that shame rarely creates lasting motivation or a positive self-image, more often it leads to anxiety, low self-esteem, self-doubt, hopelessness, and even self-sabotaging behaviours.
Where Does It Come From?
Many of the messages we hear from our inner critic were learned somewhere along the way, as we certainly weren’t born speaking to ourselves this way. Often, they mirror the messages we repeatedly heard growing up, whether from parents, caregivers, teachers, workplaces, or life experiences and over time, those external messages can become internal ones, running in the background until we stop questioning them altogether.
Awareness Comes First
The good news is that just because this voice has been there for years, that doesn’t mean it has to stay exactly as it is, and the first step is simply becoming fully aware of it. Start noticing what you’re saying to yourself and ask yourself:
- Is this true?
- Is it fair?
- Would I ever say this to somebody I care about?
- Is this helping me?
One thing I often notice with high achievers is that they assume there are only two options: Either be highly critical of themselves, or the only other option is to let themselves off the hook completely.
They’re worried that if they’re kinder to themselves, they’ll become lazy or lose their edge, but in my experience, the opposite is almost always true. People don’t stop achieving; they simply stop suffering so much while they’re doing it and also improve their wellbeing and performance in the process!
A Healthier Inner Voice
Developing a healthier inner dialogue doesn’t mean lowering your standards; it means changing the way you hold yourself accountable. For example, instead of saying something like:
- “You’re lazy. What’s wrong with you?”
A healthier voice might say:
- “You’ve had a lot going on recently. What’s one small step you could take today?”
It’s still honest and accountable, but it isn’t attacking or shaming.
Your Nervous System Is Listening
This also links back to last week’s article on stress, because every critical, attacking, or shaming thought is interpreted by the nervous system as a form of threat. So when you’re constantly criticising yourself, you’re creating stress from the inside…in many ways, you’re becoming both the attacker and the attacked.
By contrast, developing a more balanced, compassionate inner voice creates a greater sense of internal safety. And when you speak to yourself in this way, people often notice less anxiety, greater confidence, improved resilience, healthier behaviours, and a much better relationship with themselves.
One Final Thought
If there’s one thing I’d like you to take away from this article, it’s this: You spend more time with yourself than anyone else, so the relationship you have with yourself, and the way you speak to yourself, really matters.
Perhaps a good question to leave you with is this:
If somebody followed you around all day, repeating everything you say to yourself in your head, would you want to spend time with them?
Kate x
If you’ve recognised yourself in this article, whether it’s self-criticism, stress, anxiety, low confidence, or simply a feeling that you’d like to create a healthier relationship with yourself, I’d love to help. I work with both individuals and organisations to help people create meaningful and sustainable change. Feel free to get in touch if you’d like to find out more.
