This month’s question comes from Zahra:
Hi Kate,
I don’t like confrontation and I often struggle when I have to assert a boundary, let someone down or share something that I worry might seem rude. I know I need to work on my confidence and assertiveness, but do you have any tips on how I can communicate more confidently when I’m feeling awkward like this? I find I mince my words or end up being overly apologetic, which leaves me feeling disempowered and guilty for something my partner says I shouldn’t even worry about!
My Answer:
I chose this question because it’s a common issue that regularly comes up with my female clients and I think that’s mostly because women have been societally conditioned to ‘be nice’. I also happen to have a simple but brilliant tool that, when followed, works like magic to deliver news, information or feedback so that it lands in an empowered, confident and positive way.
This is especially helpful for anyone who is inclined to be a worrier, an over-thinker, a people-pleaser and/or someone with co-dependent tendencies.
You may have heard of the Feedback Sandwich method a.k.a – the ‘sh*t sandwich!
Traditionally, this is a way of communicating constructive criticism. You start your feedback with a positive statement, followed by the main message (negative criticism), and then end with some final positive, appreciative comments – You’re essentially wrapping negative feedback in praise.
This technique is popular when parenting children, in counselling and in the workplace.
There are criticisms of this method; some say it is manipulative because you’re distracting someone from the main point and that sticking to a ridged positive-negative-positive approach is unnatural. However, the majority will agree that it’s never a bad idea to offer positive feedback with negative.
I think this really depends on the specifics of the situation and the emotional intelligence level of the person delivering the feedback to give positive-negative-positive feedback in a way that sounds (and is) genuine.
However, I also like to apply this ‘sh*t sandwich’ principle when delivering any kind of news!
And I don’t think it’s manipulative, it’s actually a really great way to get a point or message across in a positive, polite way. It works well when you need to:
- Decline an invite
- Cancel plans
- Suggest something you think someone might not like
- When communicating with intimidating people
- Question your involvement in something
- Deal with a difficult person
- Assert a boundary
- Say no
- Ask someone to do something
Here’s an example:
Imagine you have to cancel plans to go to a friend’s party because you feel exhausted and you decide it’s best you stay home and rest.
If you’re somewhat of a people pleaser you might feel unnecessarily guilty about this and think you’re a bad person/friend for cancelling. To be fair, this kind of person would probably still go and end up sacrificing their wellbeing in the process!… But let’s just say for the purpose of this example that they’re working on putting themselves first and looking after their wellbeing!
They would likely overdo the apology when delivering the news and come across in such a way that they are doing something ‘bad’ by not going. Chances are they would also feel guilty for some time afterwards, even though they were doing a good thing by looking after themselves.
Furthermore, the friend throwing the party might potentially and subconsciously put more weight on the fact they’re not coming based on how that person delivered the news in an overly-apologetic way. This reminds me of the phrase: we teach people how to treat us!
In contrast, if the person cancelling plans used the ‘sh*t sandwich’ technique, they would sound far more measured, assertive and confident – as well as being genuinely apologetic.
Here’s how this could work over a text or email:
Hi (name), I hope the plans are coming together nicely for the party tonight! I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to make it now because I feel like I’m coming down with something and need to rest! So sorry to miss it, I was really looking forward to seeing you. I hope you have a fantastic evening and I’ll be in touch once I feel better to plan a time so we can catch up soon.
With a message like this, not only do you come across to the other person or people as empowered, confident and measured, but you also feel that for yourself, which ultimately reinforces your self-worth and self-respect.
Give it a try!
Kate x
