This month’s question comes from Louisa:
Hi Kate,
I was so grateful to read your recent email on identifying toxic people. You have helped me clarify that my colleague is either narcissistic or toxic in some way. I have been working with them for nearly a year now and as time has progressed, I am feeling increasingly stressed when dealing with them. At first, I didn’t realise they were the source of the stress but now I see more clearly how they often talk dismissively towards me, subtly undermine me in team meetings and try to involve me in their projects that aren’t my responsibility. I haven’t told anyone about this yet, but I am thinking about potentially looking for a new role because the daily stress is getting too much. Can you suggest what I could try before leaving?
My answer:
In the workplace, we are bound to encounter a wide variety of personalities, some of which may be difficult to deal with. Among these, narcissists and toxic people can be particularly challenging to work alongside. They typically exhibit behaviours that can negatively impact the morale, productivity, and overall well-being of individuals, teams or even the whole workplace depending on the severity of their behaviour and level of influence.
Learn how to identify toxic people and their behaviours here.
As I shared in last week’s post, a good number of my clients have had problems dealing with toxic colleagues: for one exec-level client it was her CEO and CFO and she did decide to leave the organisation, for another client it was several colleagues of the same level and the bullying towards her was horrible – she became the scapegoat for the team’s dysfunction, for another client it was her supposed right-hand man who did everything undermine her and to get out of doing any work!
Regardless of position and seniority, it can be a truly challenging and stressful situation especially when the bad behaviour is directed at you.
Unfortunately, changing roles or even leaving your organisation is sometimes the best option, particularly if the person is popular and in a powerful position. But there are definitely other things you might want to try before taking such drastic action:
Identify the toxic behaviour
The first step to dealing with a toxic colleague is to get really clear on the behaviour that is causing the problem. You need to observe their actions and understand how it affects you and anyone else involved. Some common toxic behaviours include belittling comments, refusing to collaborate, passive-aggressive behaviour, undermining work, and spreading rumours or gossip. Once you have identified the behaviours, you can come up with a plan to address them.
Speak up
When possible, it’s ideal to address the toxic behaviour but you need to think carefully about the best way tackle this. You could try having a private conversation with the colleague on their own or you might prefer to have a manager or HR representative present. Depending on the dynamic with the difficult person, you may prefer to speak to a manager or HR representative first and they can provide support and guidance on how to handle the situation.
When speaking to your colleague, HR rep and/or manager, be clear and specific about the behaviour that is causing the issue. Be assertive, but not aggressive, and try to keep the conversation professional. Remember, the goal is to find a resolution that works for everyone.
Set boundaries
Once you’ve identified the toxic behaviour you can then establish what is acceptable and what is not. This can be challenging, but it’s essential to stand up for yourself and ensure your well-being is a priority. You can do this by communicating your boundaries to your colleague, manager, or HR representative. For example, if your colleague is spreading rumours about you, let them know that this behaviour is not acceptable, and you expect it to stop.
Don’t engage in their games
Always remember that toxic people thrive on drama and conflict. They want you to get het up and react so that they can drag you down to their level and focus everyone on your reaction to their behaviour – this is also known as ‘bait and switch’. So, do your best to remain calm, rational, and professional in your interactions with them even when they are not. If you feel you are going to lose your cool, make an excuse to disengage and come back to the conversation when you feel you can stay in control of yourself.
One piece of advice I give my clients is to be as boring as possible – this is called the ‘grey rock’ method. Don’t let them get any positive or negative emotions from you. They will eventually get bored and move on to other poor unsuspecting people for their source of drama and supply.
Document everything
If you are dealing with a narcissist or toxic person in the workplace, it’s important to document everything. Keep a record of any incidents or interactions that may be relevant. This can help protect you in case the situation escalates, and you need to take further action.
I would also recommend trying to converse with them through emails and/or with other trusted colleagues present so that you have proof of what was said/agreed etc. If they get you in a conversation, follow up with an email and potentially copy in anyone relevant to summarise on record what was discussed.
Focus on your work
Dealing with a toxic colleague can be distracting and draining. It’s important to stay focused on your work as best you can and not let their behaviour impact your performance. Set goals and prioritize your tasks and try to avoid engaging in any behaviour that will give your colleague more ammunition.
It’s also important to let your manager or HR rep know if your work is suffering because otherwise, this may play into the hands of the toxic person’s false narrative about you. You might also be able to get extra support or resources to help you focus on your work.
Take care of yourself
Toxic colleagues can affect your mental and physical health. It’s essential to take care of yourself and prioritize your well-being. Make sure you take breaks or go for a walk when feeling stressed and even speak to a therapist or counsellor – ideally one who is well-versed in toxic people and personality disorders. If the situation is affecting you severely, consider taking time off work to recharge and create some distance so that you can address the issue with more perspective.
It can also help to seek support from colleagues, friends, or family members. However, be careful with colleagues as they may not see what you see in this person, so make sure they are trustworthy and unbiased.
If you think a colleague or someone in your life might be toxic and you feel they’re having a detrimental impact on your wellbeing, get in touch to schedule a consultation where we can discuss your situation and how I might be able to help you protect yourself and move forwards with confidence.
Kate x
