The journey to forming new habits and reaching our goals is often less about flawless execution and more about how we approach the process and handle the bumps along the way.
One of the biggest challenges many of us unknowingly face is the harsh inner critic – the voice that sets impossibly high expectations. When we inevitably miss the mark, this voice can lead to feelings of failure. Often referred to as the “inner gremlin” or even the “inner abuser,” this voice can be like a strict, controlling parent, pushing us to set lofty goals that may feel motivating at first but quickly become overwhelming and unsustainable.
I really believe this is at the heart of why so many people struggle to make lasting changes. The inner critic is also a big factor when it comes to things like self-esteem, mental health, and addiction. So, it’s a huge topic, but for today, let’s focus on how it stops us from making positive, sustainable changes in our lives.
Understanding the Inner Critic
The inner critic thrives on fear and punishment, rather than compassion. It encourages perfectionism and control, often pushing us to set goals that are simply too big. At first, those high expectations can feel motivating, but they can quickly snowball into something overwhelming. When we hit a bump in the road, which is inevitable – especially if the expectations are unrealistic – the inner critic steps in and labels us as failures, reinforcing those negative self-perceptions. It’s easy to spiral from there, either pushing ourselves even harder or throwing in the towel completely.
The Role of Self-Compassion
From my experience working with clients, I can tell you that starting small is key to building new habits and achieving goals. Setting realistic, manageable objectives from the get-go sets you up for success. When we focus on small wins, it’s easier to build consistency, and that’s what drives long-term change. Once a habit becomes second nature, we can build on it, but the focus is always on sustainable progress rather than perfection.
This approach is a far cry from the all-or-nothing mentality that the inner critic thrives on. When we approach goals with fear and control, we end up on a rollercoaster of intense effort followed by burnout, which is rarely sustainable. A classic example of this is the “diet cycle” – periods of strict control and restriction, followed by losing control and binging. It’s exhausting, and never leads to lasting change.
Facing Challenges with Compassion
Challenges and setbacks are inevitable when working toward any goal. The trick is in how we handle them. Instead of getting stuck in self-criticism, we can look at these challenges as opportunities to learn and adjust. With a mindset of curiosity and self-compassion, you’ll be able to face setbacks without being hard on yourself, make the tweaks you need, and keep moving forward.
Recognising the Inner Critic’s Influence
If you’ve noticed that you often set overly ambitious goals or struggle to maintain long-term habits, it’s likely that the inner critic is at play. This voice, rooted in fear and control, can undermine your progress before you even get started. Recognising its influence is the first step toward developing a more realistic and compassionate approach to goal setting and habit formation.
Cultivating Self-Compassion
There are lots of ways to develop self-compassion, but when I work with a client on this, we start by building self-awareness and reflection so they can recognise when the inner critic is taking over. Then, we focus on replacing that critical voice with what I call their compassionate, wise ‘adult’ voice – the voice that reflects their true self. This process takes time because it’s about changing a voice that’s been there for a long time, and it’s something that requires repetition. But trust me, this work is truly transformational on so many levels!
If you suspect or already recognise that you have a harsh inner critic that’s standing in the way of your happiness and progress, and you’d like some support in overcoming it, feel free to reach out. You can contact me here to arrange a time to talk.
Kate x
