I recently shared a client insight on LinkedIn that really seemed to resonate. It was this: “You can be so used to being stressed… that you don’t even realise you are.”
It quickly became one of my most-read posts, with lots of comments and messages from people saying things like:
“I didn’t know I was stressed… until I wasn’t.”….. “Perhaps I’m stressed and don’t know it?”…..“I thought I was just busy, but I think I’m living in stress too.”
I wasn’t surprised it struck a chord because it’s something so many of us end up living with, often without even realising, just because of the pace and pressure of modern life.
So, I thought it might be helpful to expand on that post in this month’s articles, starting with the backdrop of how this happens and what it actually looks like for most people.
When Stress Becomes Your Normal
When you’ve been living with some degree of chronic stress for a long time, it can become your baseline. You stop noticing the symptoms – things like a tight chest, shallow breath, restless nights, the constant busyness, urgency, and reactivity.
And yes, while it’s true that not all stress is bad, and many people do function at a high level while living with chronic stress, when you look more closely, it’s actually a kind of survival functioning. And your body adapts brilliantly, as it always does, but there’s a cost. Because the tension, the pressure, the mental load… all of it becomes so familiar that calm starts to feel unfamiliar, even ‘unsafe’ to your nervous system.
Which is where it gets tricky…
You Don’t Want Stress – But You Keep Creating It
You overthink. You over-function. You overcommit. And for the most part, you live out of reactivity, because you’re wired on stress hormones, and that’s what stress hormones make us do.
It’s not that you want to be stressed, but your nervous system no longer recognises what ease feels like. It’s been wired for go, and anything slower starts to feel uncomfortable, unproductive, or even threatening to your identity as someone who “gets things done.”
In fact, your body can become addicted to the very stress hormones you’re producing, in the same way a smoker becomes addicted to nicotine, or a coffee drinker relies on that daily caffeine hit.
So, stress becomes both the cause and the fuel for the way you live – you don’t just feel stressed, you operate from it.
And that’s how the cycle keeps going.
Why Calm Can Feel So Unfamiliar
When you’ve been living in a state of chronic stress, calm doesn’t usually feel relaxing. At first, it can feel ‘off’, even alien.
What I hear from so many of my clients when we first start working on this is that calm feels like being lazy, or falling behind, or just not doing enough, and that’s not actually a mindset issue; it’s a nervous system response.
The truth is, the calm you resist is the very thing your body’s been asking for, because we’re simply not designed to live in a constant fight-or-flight state. Our bodies are built to enter moments of stress, and then return to a baseline state of no stress.
If we lived in a world that matched how our bodies are designed, this cycle would be part of everyday life. But in the modern world, we’re bombarded with micro-stressors that usually stack up with no real outlet. Which is why we have to be intentional, not just about managing stress, but about learning how to work with it.
This Isn’t About More Stress Hacks or Better Habits
The work I do isn’t only about managing stress or cultivating better, healthier habits, it’s about helping people retrain their system so they can perform, lead, and live without needing stress as a constant fuel source.
Because calm isn’t laziness, it’s not a luxury, and it’s not just about your wellbeing, it’s also a huge performance advantage. But you only realise that when you’ve felt it, and made space for it, long enough to notice the profound difference it makes.
This month, I’m continuing this conversation, sharing reflections and real-life insights about what stress does to us, and who we become when we’re no longer run by it. I won’t be sharing tips and tools (there are over 100 articles here on my website if that’s what you’re after). These pieces are about creating awareness, insight and a space to think differently.
Because the moment you realise you’re stressed… is often the moment you realise it doesn’t have to be that way.
Stay tuned for next week’s article, where I’ll explore how chronic stress tends to show up, not just in the body, but in our habits, behaviours, and even the way we see the world.
Kate x
