Over the last couple of weeks on the podcast, I’ve been talking about mentally disconnecting from work – why it’s so difficult for many people, why work stays on our mind even after we’ve officially finished, and why even weekends don’t always feel truly restful.
Today’s topic is a continuation of that conversation, because there’s something else I see come up a lot and it came up recently in a conversation with a fairly new client after she’d listened to those episodes.
She told me that even when she switches off from work (in the evenings, at weekends, even on holiday), she still feels an underlying sense of restlessness. She knows this because she can remember what it felt like years ago to feel completely calm and rested, and she realised she hasn’t felt like that in a very long time.
She enjoys her work and is highly motivated. But she finds it hard to fully come down out of that stressed state, which is one of the reasons we’re working together.
When switching off doesn’t actually feel like rest
The only time she experiences a deep sense of calm is when she goes on holiday, and it has to be more than a week-long break, because she described how even then, it usually takes three to five days before she feels truly relaxed.
What that really tells us is that it takes several days away from usual pressures and demands for her nervous system to move out of a stressed state and into a relaxed one.
Of course, some of that time could be explained by the stress of packing, finishing work before leaving, travelling, and the general disruption that comes with going away. But from our wider conversations, what we’re really looking at is a nervous system that rarely gets genuine downtime… except a few days into a proper break.
So even when she’s technically resting, she isn’t truly relaxed.
Why this is more common than people realise
If this sounds familiar, I want to say straight away that it’s incredibly common, especially for capable, responsible people who carry a lot mentally and lead busy lives. I’ve heard very similar things from many clients over the years, particularly those in senior roles or running their own businesses.
And if you resonate with this, it doesn’t mean you’re bad at resting or that you’re doing self-care wrong. Yes, those things can play a role, but they’re rarely the whole story.
Stopping work and recovering from stress are different things
One of the biggest misunderstandings about rest is the assumption that switching off from work automatically means the nervous system will settle. But stopping work and recovering from stress are two very different things.
You can stop working and still feel wired. You can still be stuck in a sympathetic nervous system state, something I’ve talked about in recent episodes. That state doesn’t always switch off just because your laptop is closed.
Why the nervous system stays switched on
When someone has been living with sustained pressure from deadlines, responsibility, mental load, emotional demands, and a very busy lifestyle, the nervous system adapts. The body is always adapting, and living on stress hormones can start to feel familiar.
So when external pressure reduces, the body doesn’t immediately feel safe enough to relax. For some people, full relaxation can even feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable. And because of this, some people even unintentionally perpetuate this state by filling their lives with more stimulation and busyness, because that heightened level of activity has become normal.
The body stays slightly alert, on edge and restless.
Then there’s the thinking…
Stress often creates certain types of thinking: rumination, over-analysis, and constant future-planning. Even exciting or motivating thoughts about work can keep the system activated. Over time, those thought patterns can reinforce the stress response and create ongoing loops.
Why holidays finally allow the body to unwind
This is one of the reasons holidays often feel so different. The first few days are often spent coming down from weeks, months, sometimes even years of nervous system activation. But when someone is genuinely away from pressure and stimulation, and not checking work or juggling logistics, the body starts to calm down… sleep deepens… muscles relax.
I’ve talked before about the subtle “stress posture” many people carry – shoulders slightly raised and rounded forward, with tension in the neck and upper back. When that tension finally releases, it can even feel achy at first, especially for people who’ve been holding stress in the body for a long time.
Breathing also slows and deepens, which signals safety to the nervous system, and after several days, the body begins to trust that the pressure has genuinely eased. The nervous system moves into the parasympathetic state, often referred to as “rest and digest.”
And when the body settles, the mind tends to follow. You’re less in your head and more present, and that calmer state begins to sustain itself.
The pattern I see most often in clients
I see this pattern most often in capable, conscientious people, and also in those who are somewhat addicted to busyness and over-functioning. From the outside, they often look like they’re coping well, and in many ways they probably are, but they’re rarely fully at ease. Their nervous system simply doesn’t get many opportunities to come down.
So what actually helps, without turning it into another checklist?
Firstly, it’s definitely not about doing more; it’s about doing things differently. You need consistent, intentional time in everyday life, not just holidays, where your system can experience genuine relaxation.
That might involve self-care, mindset work, boundaries, and better time and energy management. Often it means reducing overall load by letting go of things, delegating, and saying no more, rather than just adding more recovery tools.
And it’s quite possible you may need to re-learn what relaxing actually feels like.
From a mindset perspective, it can also mean letting go of the belief that rest has to be earned or that stopping is lazy. For people who’ve lived in a stressed state for a long time, slowing down can feel uncomfortable, so there’s often important mindset work to do here.
Very commonly, I’m also working with clients on people-pleasing tendencies where they’re overcommitting, not protecting their time and energy, and carrying guilt about not doing enough when they’re already doing far too much.
A final thought
If rest doesn’t feel restful for you, or you can’t remember when it did, it doesn’t mean you need to try harder or do more. It means your body needs time, consistency, and repeated signals of safety.
And that is very possible in small, realistic ways, even within a busy life.
If this resonates with you, remember this isn’t a personal failure; it’s important information…
We’re living in a world that keeps many of us in a low to medium-grade stress state, even when life looks fine on the outside. And becoming aware of that is the first, and most powerful, step towards making meaningful, sustainable changes.
Kate x
If you’d like support with stress, boundaries, switching off, or creating a way of living that genuinely allows your nervous system to settle, you’re very welcome to get in touch to discuss coaching options for yourself or your team, email: info@katehorwood.com
