This is the last in the series of blogs on difficult, toxic people.
In this post, I want to focus more specifically on narcissism – a subject that has definitely been trending for the past 5-10 years, however, many people still have very limited knowledge of what narcissism really is.
Most assume a narcissist is someone who loves themselves, is vain, confident and attention seeking…
Because the topic has become very popular, there’s also a huge wave of people who have further educated themselves – which is great, the more people who know about narcissism the better. However, we now have a plethora of ‘armchair experts’ going around accusing people of being a ‘narcissist’, who likely aren’t.
Behaviours that sometimes seem like narcissism could instead stem from avoidant or anxious attachment issues in relationships, emotional immaturity, a person might be going through a tough time and unintentionally taking their issues out on others, they could have PTSD, addiction issues or they might just be a bit of an assh*le!
We must be careful not to diagnose someone as a narcissist, only a professional can officially diagnose. But what we can do is arm ourselves with knowledge so that regardless of the reasons why, we can spot toxic behaviour and protect ourselves.
It’s also important to understand that a person can have a ‘narcissistic personality disorder’, which must be formally diagnosed by a professional, or they can have narcissistic personality traits. The latter is obviously on a sliding scale and even if a person is high on the scale, it doesn’t necessarily mean they have the mental disorder. The disorder is diagnosed when narcissism extends beyond traits and persistently affects many areas of a person’s life.
You might have also heard of antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder along with narcissistic personality disorder. All four are under the umbrella of Cluster B personality disorders and are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behaviour.
Narcissism is far more common and is unfortunately on the rise in the western world because our current culture and value system encourages and even celebrates it. Furthermore, narcissism used to be far more prevalent in men, but the latest research suggests it’s now spread equally between men and women.
Of course, there is a healthy side to narcissism, which is adaptive – this is when aspects of narcissism are helpful, like high self-confidence, self-reliance, and the ability to celebrate yourself.
We’re talking about the unhealthy, maladaptive side of narcissism here, connected to traits that negatively impact how a person relates to others and themselves – for example, entitlement, outbursts of aggression or passive-aggression, and the tendency to take advantage of others. Given the damage narcissistic people can do, I believe it’s incredibly important we educate ourselves and our loved ones on how to recognise and deal with these kinds of people.
As I shared above, many people’s definition of a narcissist is someone who loves themselves, whereas the truth is actually the opposite – they carry deep core shame and create a false self to essentially hide their ‘real’ self from themselves and others. There are also different types of narcissism:
Overt narcissism
Also known as grandiose narcissism, this is the type of narcissism that most people associate with a narcissistic personality. They typically come across as entitled, arrogant, overbearing, having an exaggerated self-image, needing to be praised and admired, exploitative, outgoing, lacking empathy and competitive.
Covert narcissism
Also known as vulnerable narcissism, this type doesn’t fit the popular idea of narcissism. In fact, they are in many ways the opposite in the way their behaviour exhibits itself. They often have low self-esteem, have a higher chance of experiencing anxiety, depression, and shame, along with insecurity and low confidence. They can also be very defensive, avoidant, and often feel and/or play the victim. They can still, however, be exploitative, lie to get what they want and lack empathy in more covert ways.
Antagonistic narcissism
Also linked closely to overt narcissism, these characters exhibit traits such as arrogance, and taking advantage of others, they’re highly competitive and are disagreeable with a proneness to arguing.
Communal narcissism
This type of narcissist is very interesting, and they often fly completely under the radar because of how they operate. Just because someone is doing or saying something seemingly good and positive it doesn’t mean their intentions are good and positive!
This person seems to value fairness and thinks they’re being altruistic, but there’s a gap between what they believe and their behaviour. They can become easily morally outraged and react strongly to things that they see as unfair. For these individuals, social power and self-importance are actually the main drivers behind their so-called genuine concern for the well-being of others … The current ‘cancel culture’ trend is exactly this en masse!
Malignant narcissism
This is the most severe form of narcissism and is closer to overt. They usually have the general traits of needing praise and attention and liking to be seen as better than others, but there are also some more nasty and sometimes dangerous traits: vindictiveness, sadism, aggression and paranoia. These people may also exhibit traits of anti-social personality disorder meaning they might engage in illegal activities and substance abuse.
It’s worth noting that these types aren’t mutually exclusive – it’s common that someone with one type may go through periods of exhibiting another type. For example, a covert narcissist may exhibit more overt or even malignant traits when drinking alcohol. An overt, on the other hand, may experience shame, depression and victimhood when faced with the consequences of their actions.
What we can gauge from these descriptions is that some narcissists and narcissistic behaviours are more obvious to spot than others, but my advice around recognising and spotting them is the same:
You need to pay attention to a person’s energy – does it feel mean, fake or empty in some way?
Also, pay attention when you come away from an interaction with someone and you find that your mind keeps going over something this person said. You can’t quite figure out if it was off-hand. You might find yourself making excuses for them like, maybe they were just having a bad day, or they’re under a lot of pressure…
A great tool here is to think of someone you can call your ‘constant’ – this could be a good friend, family member or even your pet. This is someone who you’ve never had a strange feeling about. You know 100% that they’re a good, kind, honest person and they always have your best interests at heart.
Whenever you are questioning another person’s words, actions, or behaviour – ask yourself if your ‘constant’ would ever do, say or behave in that way. Try and imagine them doing it. This should give you clarity on whether the person in question is out of integrity.
Also, pay attention to your bodily sensations and symptoms around people. If you get a tight chest, lump in your throat, feel tense, nervous, or like you can’t be yourself. Sometimes toxic behaviour can be very subtle such as passive-aggressive comments or dismissive behaviour and it might take time for you to notice and piece things together.
The moment you start questioning if someone is toxic, I highly recommend you keep note of every single thing they do that feels ‘off’. When we’re a good, decent person our mind typically makes excuses by automatically assuming the best of people, which leads us to gloss over and forget things. Keeping a record helps you get a sense of what’s really going on.
Narcissists also tend to exploit people who are good, kind-natured and see the best in people – that’s exactly why they often get away with their behaviour. It’s important to wake up to the fact that there are many people out there who aren’t as kind as you. This can be a hard truth to accept when you’re raised with the belief that everyone is generally ‘good’.
Moreover, even when people are doing good things, like the communal narcissist, there could be very selfish, self-serving motives behind their behaviour.
Narcissism and narcissistic abuse is a huge topic, there are many books, experts and resources available now given the more recent popularity of the subject. I recommend educating yourself further if the topic is somewhat of a mystery to you or if you feel you might be on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse.
However, if I had to summarise how you can manage or avoid narcissistic and toxic people, it really comes down to:
- Having good self-worth which automatically leads to having strong boundaries, so you won’t put up with bad behaviour and you won’t allow someone to manipulate you.
- Understanding that not everyone is essentially kind and good-hearted.
- Listening to the signs and symptoms of your body around people.
- Educating yourself on toxic, unhealthy personality types.
- Becoming aware of your weaknesses that someone might want to exploit and then working on those areas.
- Analysing and understanding your family history – people with narcissistic family members are more likely to attract and be attracted to narcissistic types if they’re not one themselves!
This is truly important work … there’s no one more powerful and more needed in this world than a good, kind authentic person, with high self-worth and therefore strong boundaries who also understands the harsh reality and duality of the world we live in.
If you think someone in your life might be toxic and you feel they’re having a detrimental impact on your wellbeing, get intouch to schedule a complimentary consultation where we can discuss your situation and how I might be able to help you protect yourself and move forwards.
Kate x
