This month’s question comes from Gemma:
Hi Kate, I‘m a single mum who works five days a week and has three children. I rarely get time for myself, and when I do, I’m so exhausted that it’s usually late at night, and I can’t do anything constructive during that time. Most evenings and weekends are spent on the children’s activities or chores. I simply don’t feel it’s possible to have quality time for myself until the children are older in about three years’ time! Or is there something I’m missing? Is there anything you can suggest to help me create more time for myself?
My answer:
As a busy working parent, I understand that finding time for yourself can be challenging, but it is essential for your well-being. And, it’s not selfish, which is something many parents feel. It’s crucial for your overall happiness and your ability to effectively fulfil your responsibilities as a parent. As cliché as it sounds, you can’t pour from an empty cup, and you need to put your own oxygen mask on first.
Additionally, it’s worth reflecting on the messages you may inadvertently be giving your children if you never prioritise yourself. What are you role modelling?
Being giving and kind are obviously good traits to model, but consistently putting ourselves last and wearing ourselves down for others isn’t healthy, and in many cases, it’s a sign of low self-worth. As adults, we often treat ourselves the way we witnessed our parents treat themselves or we do the complete opposite!
After obtaining more information from Gemma regarding her circumstances, I discovered that her children are all 12 years old as they’re triplets. This is a good age to start setting some boundaries as they can be left to their own devices, and they’re at an age where they can help around the house more.
What became evident is that Gemma and her children have fallen into some unhelpful patterns and dynamics due to Gemma being so busy. Taking a step back and assessing what exactly goes on and how things have evolved has allowed Gemma to see where she needs to make changes in their routines and lifestyle:
Not doing everything for them
It’s clear that the children expect Gemma to get them everything they need at the drop of a hat because she has always done so. For example, they shout down from their bedrooms for Gemma to bring them a drink even though they are capable of getting it themselves! We decided that this needs to stop, and they should be encouraged to be more self-sufficient.
The children helping around the home
Gemma initially had her children help with chores around the home, but she let this slip when she became very busy at work. It’s important for her to revisit the plan and make it clear and simple for everyone. I also suggested that Gemma explain to her children how much it would mean to her and how it would make her feel if they fulfilled their responsibilities without her having to constantly remind or discipline them. This approach also models self-worth by conveying that she has value and deserves help and respect.
Cutting back on extracurricular activities
We also identified that the children are involved in numerous extracurricular activities, which means Gemma is constantly driving around after school and spending the majority of her evenings watching them until they’ve finished. While parents naturally want the best for their children, this was coming at the expense of Gemma’s well-being. We discussed which activities to cut back on or not re-enrol when the current term ends. Gemma initially resisted this idea, but as we focused on what was best for her and her need for personal time to relax, it became clearer that she needs to prioritise herself more.
Boundaries at bedtime
Bedtime for the children had also slipped, so we established a specific time for the children to be in bed, which would give Gemma a couple of hours to herself in the evening. Again, Gemma will share with them why she needs that time for herself and her wellbeing and how much she will appreciate them helping to make that possible.
Shared playdates with friends
Gemma and I also discussed whether she has a friend among her children’s friends’ parents with whom she can take turns looking after each other’s children on a regular basis. This structured arrangement would allow Gemma to plan quality time for herself in advance. Unfortunately, the children’s father is not involved in their lives, so Gemma doesn’t get any respite through co-parenting. Alternatively, such an arrangement could be possible with nearby family members.
Overcoming people pleasing
We also identified that Gemma has a tendency to please others and over-commit, saying yes to too many things. This will take time to work on, but if she keeps shifting the focus back to her needs and feelings, and making them a priority, she will gradually break this pattern. It’s like exercising a muscle – it strengthens over time with practice. Time management is also helpful in this regard because creating a proactive state allows for more consideration of options, whereas living reactively increases the likelihood of impulsive decisions. Learn my top time and energy techniques for parents here.
Selfcare in small doses
Lastly, I suggest that Gemma explores practising self-care in small doses alongside implementing the previous changes. Little things throughout the day can add up and help reduce stress and regain a sense of control. Examples include simple breathing techniques, regular timed desk breaks, ensuring she eats well and doesn’t skip meals, and taking a walk during lunchtime.
By implementing these steps and making self-care a priority, Gemma can gradually create more time for herself and improve her overall well-being. Taking care of yourself is not only essential for your own health and happiness, but it also sets a positive example for your children.
If you’re a busy parent who is struggling to look after yourself well and find quality time for yourself – perhaps your health and wellbeing is suffering as well – get in touch and we can discuss your situation and how I might be able to help. Oftentimes it takes an outside perspective and the time to step back and reflect on how you got here, plus some accountability, to create new healthy habits and ways of doing things.
Kate x
